Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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