I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
