I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
