____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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