Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
