Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
