believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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