u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
