At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
