i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
