Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
