I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just pee around me
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
