pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
