Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
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We need to rekindle our bromance
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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