I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
