For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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