not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
