i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
