I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
