I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
