So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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