It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
