I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
