I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
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I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
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I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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