ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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