I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
