Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
where are my eyebrows?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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