How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
