When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
