could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
bring money and cleavage
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
