I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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