my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The beer is more important than you right now.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
