Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
