WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
