You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
