that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
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I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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