My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
