The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
