Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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