Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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