Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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