You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
