Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
