Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
sarcasm needs its own font
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
