What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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