he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
