Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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