It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
