did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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