I smell stomach acid.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
