Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
