I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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