where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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