I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
