I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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