u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
