then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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