rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
